My wife and kids moved out of our home on April 1, 2017. The night before was one of the worst nights of my life.
I feel like I am sitting in my house waiting for my death tomorrow
It is a very odd feeling knowing you are going to die
What do you do with your final moments
I took the kids out to dinner
We had fun
They asked if we’d always be a family
Of course, I said yes
They asked if me and mama would always be a family
I said yes
I made the most solemn of promises, I swore til death do us part
So, I am right to believe tomorrow I will die
What else is there to do?
How do you go to sleep the night before your death?
It seems like a waste of time.
Do something more useful tonight
Do something someone will remember
I do not know what that is
I feel like an empty vessel
But at the same time, I have emotions I cannot control
I close my eyes and it feels like I am in ocean – my body is being thrashed by the waves
I go under water for long moments and have no fear
I do not know what direction is up nor what direction down
I am not scared
I have no fear
I am awaiting destiny
I open my eyes and it feels like I am flying high in the sky
I can see the city scape below me
But I recognize nothing
I have no home to see
No familiar places like parks, or schools
I am a visitor to my own hometown
Nobody sees me and nobody knows I am here
It makes it so much easier to die when you already are part of the wind and not the landscape itself
Again, I am not scared
I may be at peace for the very first time
Nobody misses me
Nobody wonders where I am
I am a pleasant picture on the bookcase.
A memory that was, not important nor inconsequential, just a soul that passed by for a brief time and accomplished too little to be missed and too much to be forgotten.