While at the in-patient depression treatment center I had to do a project. Write 50 mantras (my hopes, gratitude's, life goals, skills I would use to survive, reason to live) and roll them into mantra beads. Then place them in a setting that meant something to me - that something was my home - full of color to raise my boys in an environment where they always felt love and loved.
I´ve had so many Mantras
Over the past few years
Each trying and fend off the fears
The first one is printed on my wrist
I hoped it would be my first and final list
Peace, love, happiness
But before the ink was dry
Love fell away and all I did was cry
I tried to hold onto the belief
That inner peace and happiness could survive
That I could feel alive
But when the middle crashes in
The ends cannot win
I picked up the pieces
Placed bracelets around my wrists
With new Mantras
Believe
Live Love Laugh
I tried to cut the pain in half
I hung Mantas in my home
Give back
Live large
No one wins until everyone wins
Large wood black and white
Signs that told me to keep up the fight
I tried again
This time in code
So no one would know
Be brave
Have courage
Written dot, dot, line
I still have nothing to show
I still hang my head low
My next attempt
Was a disk around my neck
I wear Find Your Freedom
I tried walking paths through an arboretum
But nothing has worked
So I am returning to my roots
I am jumping in with all my heart
To find a new start
I turned to color as my new platform
Color to mask the gray and the tears
50 small beads of color
Mantras embedded with
skills, hope, gratitude, life goals
50 small beads of color
I am trying to fight to recover
I dream of a house filled with love
Filled with hope
Filled with color
I want to be the very best mother
To learn again to want a lover
To see the sun
To have some fun
I use color to cover the gray
Color to signify a brand new day
My sons deserve light
I want their home to be bright
The color helps to make it ok
To say what you feel
To say what you say
To be who you are
You will always know you are loved
No conditions
No fictions
I will honor your ambitions
I want a big, beautiful, bold table
At the center of my home
Family dinners will abound
Friends that are family will sit around
Game Nights
Conversations
Laughter
Crying
Love
The stain of food
The smell of wine
The hope of tomorrow
To wipe away past sorrow
After a long time
I´ve come to understand
You must learn to feel
Before you can heal
So It´s time
To color outside of the lines
It´s time
To make my own bold designs
It's time
To put the past behind
It's time
To learn to be kind
To me
To me
To me
To set myself free
May the bright beads
Light the way with color
For me, my sons, for others