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  • pamz27


Updated: Jan 29, 2021

This poem goes through all the stages of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. In the end I have hope. That is where I stand today - in HOPE

I died when I was nine years old

I didn’t tell anyone I was dead

I still walked around

Went to school



But I was not alive

I don’t know how long I was dead

Different parts of me came back to life at different times

But I would not say I was alive

I was just learning how to survive

When I was in high school, a part of me awoke

John made me feel present

Together we enjoyed the moment

He, for one, was never my opponent

In my twenties I learned to live through books, friends, drinking

I wasn’t fully dead then either

Always hungry for life

But never thirsty

I learned tricks to come alive

But I never felt anything

Until my mom got cancer

Then I sought out answers

Unfortunately the answer came like a bullet

She told me

She had two cancers

And I was one of them

No worse dagger to condemn

A child

For life

I ran away in my thirties

To see if maybe my body was alive in another country

She was there

Looking for love

Too bad I had to travel 4,664 miles to open up my heart

But I was drying for love

In that death, I found life

A life I could live with

I traveled the world alone and as a pair

I rode a camel to come to life

We toured the underground Cistern

We walked the dessert

We drank wine in Tallinn

We shopped in Warsaw

We swam in the Caribbean Sea

We discovered our native past

We spa-ed

We took vows – twice

I tried so hard to be a person worth living for and with

I wanted our pair to become a full house

I wanted life to come from within

But nothing can grow in a graveyard

A body broken stays broken when the patient doesn’t know how to put herself back together

No matter how many needles, drugs, surgeries one has

Doctors can not fix a dead body

I learned you can not wish a life of happiness

You have to be happy to give happy

But I tried for so long

Long enough to create two pairs, but not a full house

A house cannot stand on a faulty foundation

A house of cards always falls

I died again under the rubble of my house

I was fifty when I died for the third time

I ran away again

To get away from the rubble

But eventually I returned to find that

Unattended rubble becomes the embers of cremation

Once cremated

You cannot come back to life as you were

You need to be reincarnated

As something new

Something true

I stand here now

Trying to ignite embers

So someone remembers


I want to be a Phoenix

Set free

In that new life

I want to talk to my past lives

I want to hug the nine-year-old girl

Tell her she is loved, and is loveable

I want to sit for a drink with the twenty-year-old young woman

Tell her she is smart, strong, worthy, not a cancer

That was not the right answer

I want to fly with the thirty-year-old

Tell her to express herself, take off the muzzle that others placed on her

I want to take the forty-year-old to a Sharma

Tell her she can grow without fear

I want to slowly walk down the middle path with the fifty-year-old

Tell her healing is possible

Happiness comes from within first

She is done with the worst

Dying is ok

Living is ok

You can do them both

But to break the cycle

You must open your heart

And hug yourself

From within

To begin

To birth an identical twin

And shred your original sin

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